Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower
than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,
she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
The second day of a diet is always easier than
the first. By the
second day you're off it.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and
said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.
Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy
is the same.
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone
took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to
swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's
man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak
may be thinking up
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and
they always say
the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said
to be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing
is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch
of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm. enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back,
and instead of dying, he sings.
When I wake up in the morning the first thing
I do is smile. Get it over with.
From Tommy Cooper:
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster.
Go for it.'
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a note on the windscreen, it said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said,
'I want to buy an ice-cream.' He said, 'Knickerbocker Glory?' I
said, 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked
it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is
that the local swimming baths?' He said, 'It depends where you're
So I rang up a local building firm. I said, 'I
want a skip outside my house.' He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently one in five people in the world are
Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one
of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
All from Tommy Cooper
Two old-age-pensioners got married. On the first
night of their honeymoon the new bride wore a long, white satin
nightdress. The groom took one look at her, turned over and went
On the second night she wore a very saucy, sheer,
see-through black chiffon Baby Doll creation. Once again he took
one look, turned over and went to sleep.
On the third night, in desperation, she went to
bed stark naked, but he turned over and went to sleep again with
hardly a second look.
'Well,' she demanded at breakfast, completely
baffled, 'What do you think of my lovely nightdresses?'
'Very nice,' he replied. 'But the one you wore
last night needed ironing.'
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients
in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn
and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang
some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said,
in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman
replied, "I hope you get better, too."
From Rene Laanen
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Professional. All Rights Reserved.